LifeHacker is amazing. If you don't know what it is, subscribed to them through Facebook or Twitter or something... because they really come out with a lot of useful things that I would never think about. You're warned.. this is more of an informational post than actually insightful. Nonetheless, it's useful and very, very applicable to your daily life.
Here's their main website: lifehacker.com but the real good articles are sort of just floating around in news internet space.
Lifehacker is exactly what it says it is. It compiles all the cool blogs out there into one spot and filters out the crappy things from the worthwhile reads.
So, for instance, I haven't ever been fast at falling asleep and I stumbled upon their article: Train yourself to fall asleep faster Bam. Problem... going to be solved. And this, it's not useful to me at the moment, but eventually... 7 Things I wish I had known before I got married
Anyways, in the effort to be curt with this post, basically, if you have a question, ask the internet and you shall receive your answer in no time.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Thought #8: Why is being single thought of so negatively?
I read somewhere that in this generation, it's become a social norm that a person is in a relationship. Purposefully or not, it's hinted at in movies constantly, especially romantic comedies. There's always a character in distress, or maybe both, and somehow they find they've overcome their differences and begin to appreciate each other for who they are, fall in love, and hooray, happy ever after.
While I'm not a feminist or even remotely represent their ideals, I find that I do in fact feel that society had led us all to believe that we would be happier in a relationship. And, conversely, it's looked on when someone discovers you're single. But, given the (rumor) that divorce rates are high (see: http://www.nytimes.com/2005/04/19/health/19divo.html?_r=0 for some fishy statistics), my question now is: why is this a hard-held belief? Is it on purpose?
From my experience and observing my friends and family, I see evidence for both sides of this societal claim.
My point of view, which I believe is the point of view many of my friends and family share, is that personal happiness is an independent achievement. That means, even in a relationship, one should be able to claim selfhood and individuality. Every decision you make is just that - yours. You can have all the advice in the world and from the best people, but the decisions boil down to what you will do.
"Selfhood. Each partner retains a viable self, capable of functioning without the relationship if necessary, able to be his or her own person with inviolable boundaries that reflect core values."
- Love and Power by Hara Estroff Marano, Psychology Today
This idea sounds really simple, but it's not. Over and over again, you see someone in (a difficult) relationship sacrificing their own needs and wanting to satisfy the other person. "Distressed relationships tend to be organized around the interests of the more powerful, often without conscious intention," says Carmen Knudson-Martin of Loma Linda University. It doesn't seem like this is a happy ending for this fictitious couple. It sounds like someone is getting the short end of the bargain and continues to get short-changed.
The fact that media - everything from magazines, novels and movies - portrays the idea that happiness can only be achieved in a relationship, really bothers me. It's setting a false idea in motion and unpurposefully showing that being single is looked down upon. I hate that. Maybe that's why there are so many unhappy couples out there. They're just following the rules so they don't get caught being single. I know it's easy to become dependent on another person for your own happiness, but that doesn't present a balanced relationship.
Those few who I see get into a relationship too soon tend to lose themselves and sometimes need to break it off in order to rebuild their individuality. I can't stress enough how important this claim is and how it's okay not to be dating or even seeking. There comes a time in everyone's life that you have no idea what you're doing. And that's okay, but searching for a boyfriend or girlfriend to help solve all your problems isn't going to work because the effort to change yourself has to come from, well, yourself.
When I think of someone and what they've accomplished, I think of just them, not that they are who they are because of so and so. No. They are who they are because they're simply awesome on their own. No one is going to remember you for who you got hitched with. The real impact is what did you do with your life and how did you transform the people around you? And, unless society stops viewing being single as a step back, many people are going to fall short of discovering their personal, true identity.
At least there are some people to get it: How to Be Alone - Tanya Davis
While I'm not a feminist or even remotely represent their ideals, I find that I do in fact feel that society had led us all to believe that we would be happier in a relationship. And, conversely, it's looked on when someone discovers you're single. But, given the (rumor) that divorce rates are high (see: http://www.nytimes.com/2005/04/19/health/19divo.html?_r=0 for some fishy statistics), my question now is: why is this a hard-held belief? Is it on purpose?
From my experience and observing my friends and family, I see evidence for both sides of this societal claim.
My point of view, which I believe is the point of view many of my friends and family share, is that personal happiness is an independent achievement. That means, even in a relationship, one should be able to claim selfhood and individuality. Every decision you make is just that - yours. You can have all the advice in the world and from the best people, but the decisions boil down to what you will do.
"Selfhood. Each partner retains a viable self, capable of functioning without the relationship if necessary, able to be his or her own person with inviolable boundaries that reflect core values."
- Love and Power by Hara Estroff Marano, Psychology Today
This idea sounds really simple, but it's not. Over and over again, you see someone in (a difficult) relationship sacrificing their own needs and wanting to satisfy the other person. "Distressed relationships tend to be organized around the interests of the more powerful, often without conscious intention," says Carmen Knudson-Martin of Loma Linda University. It doesn't seem like this is a happy ending for this fictitious couple. It sounds like someone is getting the short end of the bargain and continues to get short-changed.
The fact that media - everything from magazines, novels and movies - portrays the idea that happiness can only be achieved in a relationship, really bothers me. It's setting a false idea in motion and unpurposefully showing that being single is looked down upon. I hate that. Maybe that's why there are so many unhappy couples out there. They're just following the rules so they don't get caught being single. I know it's easy to become dependent on another person for your own happiness, but that doesn't present a balanced relationship.
Those few who I see get into a relationship too soon tend to lose themselves and sometimes need to break it off in order to rebuild their individuality. I can't stress enough how important this claim is and how it's okay not to be dating or even seeking. There comes a time in everyone's life that you have no idea what you're doing. And that's okay, but searching for a boyfriend or girlfriend to help solve all your problems isn't going to work because the effort to change yourself has to come from, well, yourself.
When I think of someone and what they've accomplished, I think of just them, not that they are who they are because of so and so. No. They are who they are because they're simply awesome on their own. No one is going to remember you for who you got hitched with. The real impact is what did you do with your life and how did you transform the people around you? And, unless society stops viewing being single as a step back, many people are going to fall short of discovering their personal, true identity.
At least there are some people to get it: How to Be Alone - Tanya Davis
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Thoughts #7: What makes your soul sing?
A lot times, I've lately come across a the question, "What do you want to do with your life?" And more often than not, people answer with a generic statement: 'I want to be happy', 'I want a job that makes me happy', 'I want to be financially stable', ..etc. We've heard them all. But, I think the more thought-provoking question is, "What makes your soul sing?", as said by John Lilly in a lecture called "White Space is Everywhere" at Stanford University.
I haven't figured that out yet. I think it'll take a lot more experiences before I come to that realization.
Here's a relevant article from Huffington Post. Although, they take on a different perspective by asking, "What pain do you want?" I think that's a somewhat cynical view of approaching life goals, but whatever floats your boat, I guess.
The take away from the lecture and article boils down clearly deciding what you want in life. As much advice as you receive from everyone, family, friends, mentors, etc.. the final decision ultimately comes down to what you think is best for you. When I'm asked, "what makes your soul sing?", these words present such a romantic view of what I'd like to do with my life and I feel I can truly connect with what it's asking and subsequently, deeply reflect on its implications.
Honestly, I think it's hard for people to decide on what they want to do with their life. But, thinking about, or reflecting upon, what the soul desires gives a far better answer than I could imagine. I feel I immediately respond to my passions when I couldn't pinpoint it being asked what I want in life.
So, you're curious, of course, what DOES make my soul sing? Well, helping people, at its very basic level. In more detail, helping people realize their potential, helping people realize that potential by providing them with the best tools available, and helping people build an empathetic connection with those tools at hand. For industrial designers out there, this idea is much clearer because they try to build this feeling every day and research just that. They create a product which you feel attached to. Relevant: Innovation Starts with Empathy - Frog Design
Think about the smartphone. Now think about just how many people have said, "I can't live without it!" Clearly, they can (and have in the past), but due to the impeccable design of the product, people have gained a sort of "real" connection with the device. For me, I'd like the outcome to truly make this person happier and live their life easier.
I haven't figured that out yet. I think it'll take a lot more experiences before I come to that realization.
Here's a relevant article from Huffington Post. Although, they take on a different perspective by asking, "What pain do you want?" I think that's a somewhat cynical view of approaching life goals, but whatever floats your boat, I guess.
The take away from the lecture and article boils down clearly deciding what you want in life. As much advice as you receive from everyone, family, friends, mentors, etc.. the final decision ultimately comes down to what you think is best for you. When I'm asked, "what makes your soul sing?", these words present such a romantic view of what I'd like to do with my life and I feel I can truly connect with what it's asking and subsequently, deeply reflect on its implications.
Honestly, I think it's hard for people to decide on what they want to do with their life. But, thinking about, or reflecting upon, what the soul desires gives a far better answer than I could imagine. I feel I immediately respond to my passions when I couldn't pinpoint it being asked what I want in life.
So, you're curious, of course, what DOES make my soul sing? Well, helping people, at its very basic level. In more detail, helping people realize their potential, helping people realize that potential by providing them with the best tools available, and helping people build an empathetic connection with those tools at hand. For industrial designers out there, this idea is much clearer because they try to build this feeling every day and research just that. They create a product which you feel attached to. Relevant: Innovation Starts with Empathy - Frog Design
Think about the smartphone. Now think about just how many people have said, "I can't live without it!" Clearly, they can (and have in the past), but due to the impeccable design of the product, people have gained a sort of "real" connection with the device. For me, I'd like the outcome to truly make this person happier and live their life easier.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Thoughts #6: Time Investment
There's a finite amount of brain power that I have and there's more people and situations that require more attention than I am willing to give. I know you've ran into this problem and if you haven't, I'd call you a liar or a miracle worker.
There's a few kinds of situations where I could devote my attention to, but almost every one of them involves a person. What I've learned out of experience is that my emotional investment in someone or something is limited and I need to decide who or what, to focus my attention towards.
In a.. let's call it a, misunderstanding, that recently happened to me, I was constantly thinking about how this person, let's call them Charlie, acted towards me and I was relentlessly thought of confusing explanations as to why Charlie responded to me in such a hostile way. While I understood my friendship with Charlie was not very strong to begin and the fact that Ben has not acknowledged my apologies, my need to understand the situation and make sense of all the confusion superseded my rational side, which told me to leave the situation alone and move on without closure. In short, Charlie isn't worth wasting my brain power.
My misgivings with Charlie have not been mollified and nor do I think they will any time soon. However, to me, it's been a small learning experience.
I've realized from this that: (1) I can't always get closure, (2) I can't expect to always have a mature conversation about a conflict, and (3) I shouldn't waste my effort into something that truly doesn't matter in the long run.
This brings me to thinking about my future. I frequently think about how communication between people, whether it's myself and someone else, or observing a conversation as a bystander. When someone in particular begins to bother me, though, I stress out over the small details of what I'll say and worry about their reactions. But, when I do some self-reflection and put the situation in terms of the grand scheme of things, more often than not does the conclusion tell me that it's a minute part of life and there's no need to sweat over it.
This experience with Charlie has brought to my attention that not everyone is worth the same amount of time and effort that you expect to receive in return. I can only put 50% into acquiescing a conflict. The other person involved must input the remaining 50% effort. And, it's only when the other person is prepared to confront the situation (preferably, like an adult) that the conflict can eventually be resolved.
All in all, conflicts suck, but there's a lot to learn from them about who you are and who the other person is, too. It's best not to waste time and mental energy on people who don't appreciate the effort you've put in, and simply redirect that energy towards something more useful.
There's a few kinds of situations where I could devote my attention to, but almost every one of them involves a person. What I've learned out of experience is that my emotional investment in someone or something is limited and I need to decide who or what, to focus my attention towards.
In a.. let's call it a, misunderstanding, that recently happened to me, I was constantly thinking about how this person, let's call them Charlie, acted towards me and I was relentlessly thought of confusing explanations as to why Charlie responded to me in such a hostile way. While I understood my friendship with Charlie was not very strong to begin and the fact that Ben has not acknowledged my apologies, my need to understand the situation and make sense of all the confusion superseded my rational side, which told me to leave the situation alone and move on without closure. In short, Charlie isn't worth wasting my brain power.
My misgivings with Charlie have not been mollified and nor do I think they will any time soon. However, to me, it's been a small learning experience.
I've realized from this that: (1) I can't always get closure, (2) I can't expect to always have a mature conversation about a conflict, and (3) I shouldn't waste my effort into something that truly doesn't matter in the long run.
This brings me to thinking about my future. I frequently think about how communication between people, whether it's myself and someone else, or observing a conversation as a bystander. When someone in particular begins to bother me, though, I stress out over the small details of what I'll say and worry about their reactions. But, when I do some self-reflection and put the situation in terms of the grand scheme of things, more often than not does the conclusion tell me that it's a minute part of life and there's no need to sweat over it.
This experience with Charlie has brought to my attention that not everyone is worth the same amount of time and effort that you expect to receive in return. I can only put 50% into acquiescing a conflict. The other person involved must input the remaining 50% effort. And, it's only when the other person is prepared to confront the situation (preferably, like an adult) that the conflict can eventually be resolved.
All in all, conflicts suck, but there's a lot to learn from them about who you are and who the other person is, too. It's best not to waste time and mental energy on people who don't appreciate the effort you've put in, and simply redirect that energy towards something more useful.
Quotations #4
"You can not inspire, unless you're inspired yourself."
- Carmin Gallo, Three Secrets All Inspiring Messages Share
- Carmin Gallo, Three Secrets All Inspiring Messages Share
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Thoughts #5: Relationships
In the viral blog entry, "Marriage isn't for you", Seth Adam Smith concludes that "love is about the person you love." It's about what you can give, not what you can get in return.
This conclusion sounds obvious to me. But, when I really think about it, it isn't until both people in the relationship understand this concept that the relationship has the potential for success.
When I think about a failing relationship, it usually begins with, "I'm not feeling enough of X." And, that thought continues on for awhile until I can no longer bear the negative thought and blurt it out to my s.o. one day. Sometimes it's taken well, sometime's it's not. When it is taken well, there's lots of trust involved to expect that my concerns will be taken seriously and I can feel the change happening. When it's not, well, sometimes the problem gets swept under the carpet until next time.
When one person doesn't truly understand this statement, the relationship becomes that much harder to build. It would be difficult to build something together when you, yourself, are being selfish. Selfishness can come in many forms, but the one that I feel most passionate about is when a person keeps their emotions to themselves and is not open and honest about how they truly feel. It's difficult to get someone to explain themselves, though. All you can do is ask for them to open up, but not be forceful.
Maybe this idea that love is for someone else is so difficult to understand because most people want to be romanced and have this fictitious expectation that love is perfect in a relationship. In truth, it's not, not even a little bit, but that's also why it's unique and cherished when you can obtain it. Thinking about a relationship, I think about how I feel when they do something. Most of the time it's a positive, warm feeling. Rarely do I ever think about how I feel when I do something for them. Though, in that moment of giving, I usually feel wonderful. It's this feeling that doesn't seem to last long because I want to know that what was done for me is cherished by me. I want to know that they put just as much effort into the value of our relationship as I did. This exchange of appreciation for one another proves to me that the relationship has potential to last.
It's also a difficult balance between knowing how much you can give before you collapse from forgetting to take care of yourself. Like I mentioned in my first post, it's important to be comfortable by yourself before you handle someone else's problems. Knowing where your boundaries are and being honest with them is something very important to explain to your partner. Respect for yourself comes first before getting someone to earn their respect from you.
EDIT: Also relevant: http://youtu.be/vcL53TAR600
This conclusion sounds obvious to me. But, when I really think about it, it isn't until both people in the relationship understand this concept that the relationship has the potential for success.
When I think about a failing relationship, it usually begins with, "I'm not feeling enough of X." And, that thought continues on for awhile until I can no longer bear the negative thought and blurt it out to my s.o. one day. Sometimes it's taken well, sometime's it's not. When it is taken well, there's lots of trust involved to expect that my concerns will be taken seriously and I can feel the change happening. When it's not, well, sometimes the problem gets swept under the carpet until next time.
When one person doesn't truly understand this statement, the relationship becomes that much harder to build. It would be difficult to build something together when you, yourself, are being selfish. Selfishness can come in many forms, but the one that I feel most passionate about is when a person keeps their emotions to themselves and is not open and honest about how they truly feel. It's difficult to get someone to explain themselves, though. All you can do is ask for them to open up, but not be forceful.
Maybe this idea that love is for someone else is so difficult to understand because most people want to be romanced and have this fictitious expectation that love is perfect in a relationship. In truth, it's not, not even a little bit, but that's also why it's unique and cherished when you can obtain it. Thinking about a relationship, I think about how I feel when they do something. Most of the time it's a positive, warm feeling. Rarely do I ever think about how I feel when I do something for them. Though, in that moment of giving, I usually feel wonderful. It's this feeling that doesn't seem to last long because I want to know that what was done for me is cherished by me. I want to know that they put just as much effort into the value of our relationship as I did. This exchange of appreciation for one another proves to me that the relationship has potential to last.
It's also a difficult balance between knowing how much you can give before you collapse from forgetting to take care of yourself. Like I mentioned in my first post, it's important to be comfortable by yourself before you handle someone else's problems. Knowing where your boundaries are and being honest with them is something very important to explain to your partner. Respect for yourself comes first before getting someone to earn their respect from you.
EDIT: Also relevant: http://youtu.be/vcL53TAR600
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