It's been an impressive year so far. I graduated with a sweet engineering degree from Georgia Tech. I got a new job in the aeronautical industry in the lovely state of Connecticut (more on that later). Most importantly though, I'm finally on my own, living on my own, with my own money, sustaining only me, myself, and I. This is my life now. No one to take care of you, not many people to talk to outside of work, nor the opportunity to randomly run into an acquaintance while strolling around campus. I've become completely self-sustaining and I don't think I really know what that means. Do people even really know what that means?
For the most part, I'm introverted and I have my extroverted moments here and there. I'm not unfriendly, but I know I can seem distant and uninterested in conversations sometimes. It's a double standard for being a girl - you should know how to be empathetic with girl problems to feel a connection with them. But let's save that topic for another time.
Let's understand where I'm coming from. Briefly, I've always had a constant companion, who is now my ex. The point is, he were always there for me, all the time, physically and emotionally. Now, physically, I have no one. Not even my mom to bother me all the time because she's finally getting the feeling that I'm well enough alone that she doesn't feel it's necessary to check up on me. Ironic, huh? Anyways, loneliness a foreign feeling for me because I've always had the attention of someone else or closeness of someone else. Sure, I call my friends from time to time and that certainly eases me into accepting the loneliness, but it's not the only thing for me to cultivate.
Some things I've learned about coping with loneliness is knowing you're never truly alone. Sure, my friends and family are far away and I can't simply step into the next room and bug them with a casual conversation. Dealing with this physical distance away from someone is where the phone, internet, skype, come in handy. I've found that it's more important than you think to keep a regular contact with loved ones, and I don't only mean family. My loved ones include my best of friends that make me feel like a part of their life as well. Physically talking to people on the phone lessens the anxiety which comes with loneliness.
Again, as someone who has always seemed to been taken care of by my family, in particular, I know I've never truly understood the meaning of self-sustaining or even taking of myself. Sad, isn't it? In the past, I had always seen (mainly) singletons with the most ambitious of dreams, as if they were born to be entrepreneurs. Honestly, it was only the fact that they devoted a small bit of time per day to cherish their own time that made it seem like they were on top of the world - happy, content, humble. Here's the important fact to draw out of this observation: they took the time to take care of themselves. They realized at one point or another that they, themselves, are the most important person alive to themselves. No one else in the world will care more about you than you. No one else can help you become you to its fullest. Only I can give me, myself, and I more confidence, happiness, humbleness. And I mention humbleness because it's a huge factor in how others see you.
And more on humbleness... When I think of this, I think of a person who is inwardly content in their life, easy to talk to, happy with themselves, and aren't even remotely aggressive towards others to follow a path similar to their own. They seem to understand that this person will live their life differently than this other person. And, they're okay with that. They step in to help at the right times and are always encouraging and are always a mentor and enabler. Lastly, they have a strong network of close friends/family who they can always fall back on when they're feeling low. These people are outstanding. These people are role models without even trying. These people are people I want to be. And, I think one way to get to there is to truly learn what it means to be alone and become self-sustaining. Only you truly, deeply, care about you.
I've found that I'm happier when I take a minute, but regular, amount of time for myself each day. I don't mean catching up on tv shows or romance novel every now and then. I mean those side projects I've always wanted to work on: online education, podcasts, sketching, blogging.. you know those things. I find it impressive that people work on their hobbies so passionately. I know I lack motivation for initiate work on those projects. Consequentially, the fall behind, I feel disappointed in myself, I don't feel as happy. I'm determined to change that depressing, self-destructive cycle.
For example, this past week I've been getting up an hour earlier than normal. (To preface, previously, I had hit the snooze way too much and after work, I'd get home and lounge and watch tv.) This extra hour gave me the boost I needed to begin to motivate myself to do things. I started enjoying my mornings more and using the extra 30-60 minutes of time to do what I've been procrastinating on. The results so far have been amazing. Before I get to work, I'm already awake, I already feel accomplished, therefore, I already feel happy with myself. It's a schedule I intend to keep and encourage others to test drive. Everyone's different, so my only advice is that you find something which makes you feel more impressed with yourself.
Now, the conclusion is not to be an outsider and never take up friends' invitations to hang out. No, not at all. Those are connections that build the foundation to stronger, more meaningful relationships later in life. But I believe when you're just beginning to know what it means to be alone, it's important to allow those friendships brew for the time being because first and foremost, cherish the self and your life. I don't think many people understand the depth of that concept, nor do I think I truly do just yet.
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