"The Dalai Lama has a habit of cutting interviews short if he feels the interviewer is insincere." - Rick Ray's 10 Questions for the Dalai Lama
One of things that's gotten me through the last couple of months of loneliness have been my friends and my family. I've never been one to talk on the phone for hours, but now it seems like I can't get away from talking on the phone. Like I said before though, I'm not extroverted (I mention this because I associate extroversion with being garrulous, but it's not true all the time. More on that later.) To simply put it: I like to keep in regular contact with people I care about, which I never realized was something I wanted.
This brings me to my sister. She's older than me by a few years and has been self-sustaining for a quite some time. She told me recently, "Even though me and [my boyfriend] are long distance, it's allowed me to focus on what I really care about and that's family." When she said this, it surprised me because I'm always the one putting tons of time into people other than my family, keeping them happy, making sure they're content and comfortable. But, the reality is, this shouldn't be the case - at least not all the time.
I always thought I could handle my own. I don't need anybody, no, I'm too proud (and stubborn) for that. So, what follows is, I rarely call my parents; they nag me too much anyways. I don't frequently call my sisters; they're far away and I know they'll care even though I'm disconnected. The people that I do keep in contact with are my friends from high school. But, what I've noticed is that those conversations weren't always as valuable as a five minute conversation with my family.
What separates family from friends, and yes, sometimes good friends can effectively become family, is that no matter what, family is always there for whether you like it or not. I've found that the people I'm the closest with are the people that I can tell my hesitations and insecurities too without feeling judged or inferior. They're also the people that tend to tell me the reality of a situation and also get me to think about my foundation for a certain belief I may have. They get me to think about me and help me become a better person. Most importantly, they almost never tell me what the right answer is. How could they? No one can completely understand another person's perspective 100%. However, I sometimes feel that my sisters know me better than I do and that makes me value their advice over others'.
So, over the last four years, I've slowly come to realize that what makes me happy and what's become important to me. And that is keeping good friendships around. Whether it's catching up over lunch or over the phone every so often. The key is that it's consistent. Once that consistency stops, it's hard to pick right back up where you left off. Unless that friendship was truly solid from the start. I think part of the reason why friendships come and go is because people change. I've seen that good friends keep up with those changes. Keeping up with change tells me immediately that the person sincerely cares about you and your growth and wants to help you out. It's unselfish and also important to reciprocate.
Yes, it does take a lot of time and effort to maintain good friendships and likewise, with family members. But the similarity they share is that once the level of comfort and security is defined, those relationships will last much longer than if without cultivation and maintenance. I think it's up to you to decide how much effort you'd like to put into the friendship and understand exactly how much of that effort is appreciated. I tend not to linger on friends who I don't feel will be a good contributor to the relationship. This doesn't mean cutting them off completely. It just means that I won't put in the effort into making periodic phone calls (or emails.. messages.. etc) and therefore, our relationship, because relationships are a two-way street. In order for it to prosper, both parties have to work for it.
Since I've realized the similarities of family and strong friendships, I've also noticed that calling home is much more appreciated by my parents than by me. They value the contact more; I think it's something I won't come to understand until I have children of my own. The point is, a simple five minute phone call with my parents is enough to keep them happy and content. And with that, a better relationship is built and happier people are the results of this. College was a time of independence from them, which I was dying for, and so I didn't understand this back then. Now, I know that putting a little more effort into calling my parents will make everyone happy because I know they're happy and appreciative.
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