I read somewhere that in this generation, it's become a social norm that a person is in a relationship. Purposefully or not, it's hinted at in movies constantly, especially romantic comedies. There's always a character in distress, or maybe both, and somehow they find they've overcome their differences and begin to appreciate each other for who they are, fall in love, and hooray, happy ever after.
While I'm not a feminist or even remotely represent their ideals, I find that I do in fact feel that society had led us all to believe that we would be happier in a relationship. And, conversely, it's looked on when someone discovers you're single. But, given the (rumor) that divorce rates are high (see: http://www.nytimes.com/2005/04/19/health/19divo.html?_r=0 for some fishy statistics), my question now is: why is this a hard-held belief? Is it on purpose?
From my experience and observing my friends and family, I see evidence for both sides of this societal claim.
My point of view, which I believe is the point of view many of my friends and family share, is that personal happiness is an independent achievement. That means, even in a relationship, one should be able to claim selfhood and individuality. Every decision you make is just that - yours. You can have all the advice in the world and from the best people, but the decisions boil down to what you will do.
"Selfhood. Each partner retains a viable self, capable of functioning without the relationship if necessary, able to be his or her own person with inviolable boundaries that reflect core values."
- Love and Power by Hara Estroff Marano, Psychology Today
This idea sounds really simple, but it's not. Over and over again, you see someone in (a difficult) relationship sacrificing their own needs and wanting to satisfy the other person. "Distressed relationships tend to be organized around the interests of the more powerful, often without conscious intention," says Carmen Knudson-Martin of Loma Linda University. It doesn't seem like this is a happy ending for this fictitious couple. It sounds like someone is getting the short end of the bargain and continues to get short-changed.
The fact that media - everything from magazines, novels and movies - portrays the idea that happiness can only be achieved in a relationship, really bothers me. It's setting a false idea in motion and unpurposefully showing that being single is looked down upon. I hate that. Maybe that's why there are so many unhappy couples out there. They're just following the rules so they don't get caught being single. I know it's easy to become dependent on another person for your own happiness, but that doesn't present a balanced relationship.
Those few who I see get into a relationship too soon tend to lose themselves and sometimes need to break it off in order to rebuild their individuality. I can't stress enough how important this claim is and how it's okay not to be dating or even seeking. There comes a time in everyone's life that you have no idea what you're doing. And that's okay, but searching for a boyfriend or girlfriend to help solve all your problems isn't going to work because the effort to change yourself has to come from, well, yourself.
When I think of someone and what they've accomplished, I think of just them, not that they are who they are because of so and so. No. They are who they are because they're simply awesome on their own. No one is going to remember you for who you got hitched with. The real impact is what did you do with your life and how did you transform the people around you? And, unless society stops viewing being single as a step back, many people are going to fall short of discovering their personal, true identity.
At least there are some people to get it: How to Be Alone - Tanya Davis
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Thoughts #7: What makes your soul sing?
A lot times, I've lately come across a the question, "What do you want to do with your life?" And more often than not, people answer with a generic statement: 'I want to be happy', 'I want a job that makes me happy', 'I want to be financially stable', ..etc. We've heard them all. But, I think the more thought-provoking question is, "What makes your soul sing?", as said by John Lilly in a lecture called "White Space is Everywhere" at Stanford University.
I haven't figured that out yet. I think it'll take a lot more experiences before I come to that realization.
Here's a relevant article from Huffington Post. Although, they take on a different perspective by asking, "What pain do you want?" I think that's a somewhat cynical view of approaching life goals, but whatever floats your boat, I guess.
The take away from the lecture and article boils down clearly deciding what you want in life. As much advice as you receive from everyone, family, friends, mentors, etc.. the final decision ultimately comes down to what you think is best for you. When I'm asked, "what makes your soul sing?", these words present such a romantic view of what I'd like to do with my life and I feel I can truly connect with what it's asking and subsequently, deeply reflect on its implications.
Honestly, I think it's hard for people to decide on what they want to do with their life. But, thinking about, or reflecting upon, what the soul desires gives a far better answer than I could imagine. I feel I immediately respond to my passions when I couldn't pinpoint it being asked what I want in life.
So, you're curious, of course, what DOES make my soul sing? Well, helping people, at its very basic level. In more detail, helping people realize their potential, helping people realize that potential by providing them with the best tools available, and helping people build an empathetic connection with those tools at hand. For industrial designers out there, this idea is much clearer because they try to build this feeling every day and research just that. They create a product which you feel attached to. Relevant: Innovation Starts with Empathy - Frog Design
Think about the smartphone. Now think about just how many people have said, "I can't live without it!" Clearly, they can (and have in the past), but due to the impeccable design of the product, people have gained a sort of "real" connection with the device. For me, I'd like the outcome to truly make this person happier and live their life easier.
I haven't figured that out yet. I think it'll take a lot more experiences before I come to that realization.
Here's a relevant article from Huffington Post. Although, they take on a different perspective by asking, "What pain do you want?" I think that's a somewhat cynical view of approaching life goals, but whatever floats your boat, I guess.
The take away from the lecture and article boils down clearly deciding what you want in life. As much advice as you receive from everyone, family, friends, mentors, etc.. the final decision ultimately comes down to what you think is best for you. When I'm asked, "what makes your soul sing?", these words present such a romantic view of what I'd like to do with my life and I feel I can truly connect with what it's asking and subsequently, deeply reflect on its implications.
Honestly, I think it's hard for people to decide on what they want to do with their life. But, thinking about, or reflecting upon, what the soul desires gives a far better answer than I could imagine. I feel I immediately respond to my passions when I couldn't pinpoint it being asked what I want in life.
So, you're curious, of course, what DOES make my soul sing? Well, helping people, at its very basic level. In more detail, helping people realize their potential, helping people realize that potential by providing them with the best tools available, and helping people build an empathetic connection with those tools at hand. For industrial designers out there, this idea is much clearer because they try to build this feeling every day and research just that. They create a product which you feel attached to. Relevant: Innovation Starts with Empathy - Frog Design
Think about the smartphone. Now think about just how many people have said, "I can't live without it!" Clearly, they can (and have in the past), but due to the impeccable design of the product, people have gained a sort of "real" connection with the device. For me, I'd like the outcome to truly make this person happier and live their life easier.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Thoughts #6: Time Investment
There's a finite amount of brain power that I have and there's more people and situations that require more attention than I am willing to give. I know you've ran into this problem and if you haven't, I'd call you a liar or a miracle worker.
There's a few kinds of situations where I could devote my attention to, but almost every one of them involves a person. What I've learned out of experience is that my emotional investment in someone or something is limited and I need to decide who or what, to focus my attention towards.
In a.. let's call it a, misunderstanding, that recently happened to me, I was constantly thinking about how this person, let's call them Charlie, acted towards me and I was relentlessly thought of confusing explanations as to why Charlie responded to me in such a hostile way. While I understood my friendship with Charlie was not very strong to begin and the fact that Ben has not acknowledged my apologies, my need to understand the situation and make sense of all the confusion superseded my rational side, which told me to leave the situation alone and move on without closure. In short, Charlie isn't worth wasting my brain power.
My misgivings with Charlie have not been mollified and nor do I think they will any time soon. However, to me, it's been a small learning experience.
I've realized from this that: (1) I can't always get closure, (2) I can't expect to always have a mature conversation about a conflict, and (3) I shouldn't waste my effort into something that truly doesn't matter in the long run.
This brings me to thinking about my future. I frequently think about how communication between people, whether it's myself and someone else, or observing a conversation as a bystander. When someone in particular begins to bother me, though, I stress out over the small details of what I'll say and worry about their reactions. But, when I do some self-reflection and put the situation in terms of the grand scheme of things, more often than not does the conclusion tell me that it's a minute part of life and there's no need to sweat over it.
This experience with Charlie has brought to my attention that not everyone is worth the same amount of time and effort that you expect to receive in return. I can only put 50% into acquiescing a conflict. The other person involved must input the remaining 50% effort. And, it's only when the other person is prepared to confront the situation (preferably, like an adult) that the conflict can eventually be resolved.
All in all, conflicts suck, but there's a lot to learn from them about who you are and who the other person is, too. It's best not to waste time and mental energy on people who don't appreciate the effort you've put in, and simply redirect that energy towards something more useful.
There's a few kinds of situations where I could devote my attention to, but almost every one of them involves a person. What I've learned out of experience is that my emotional investment in someone or something is limited and I need to decide who or what, to focus my attention towards.
In a.. let's call it a, misunderstanding, that recently happened to me, I was constantly thinking about how this person, let's call them Charlie, acted towards me and I was relentlessly thought of confusing explanations as to why Charlie responded to me in such a hostile way. While I understood my friendship with Charlie was not very strong to begin and the fact that Ben has not acknowledged my apologies, my need to understand the situation and make sense of all the confusion superseded my rational side, which told me to leave the situation alone and move on without closure. In short, Charlie isn't worth wasting my brain power.
My misgivings with Charlie have not been mollified and nor do I think they will any time soon. However, to me, it's been a small learning experience.
I've realized from this that: (1) I can't always get closure, (2) I can't expect to always have a mature conversation about a conflict, and (3) I shouldn't waste my effort into something that truly doesn't matter in the long run.
This brings me to thinking about my future. I frequently think about how communication between people, whether it's myself and someone else, or observing a conversation as a bystander. When someone in particular begins to bother me, though, I stress out over the small details of what I'll say and worry about their reactions. But, when I do some self-reflection and put the situation in terms of the grand scheme of things, more often than not does the conclusion tell me that it's a minute part of life and there's no need to sweat over it.
This experience with Charlie has brought to my attention that not everyone is worth the same amount of time and effort that you expect to receive in return. I can only put 50% into acquiescing a conflict. The other person involved must input the remaining 50% effort. And, it's only when the other person is prepared to confront the situation (preferably, like an adult) that the conflict can eventually be resolved.
All in all, conflicts suck, but there's a lot to learn from them about who you are and who the other person is, too. It's best not to waste time and mental energy on people who don't appreciate the effort you've put in, and simply redirect that energy towards something more useful.
Quotations #4
"You can not inspire, unless you're inspired yourself."
- Carmin Gallo, Three Secrets All Inspiring Messages Share
- Carmin Gallo, Three Secrets All Inspiring Messages Share
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Thoughts #5: Relationships
In the viral blog entry, "Marriage isn't for you", Seth Adam Smith concludes that "love is about the person you love." It's about what you can give, not what you can get in return.
This conclusion sounds obvious to me. But, when I really think about it, it isn't until both people in the relationship understand this concept that the relationship has the potential for success.
When I think about a failing relationship, it usually begins with, "I'm not feeling enough of X." And, that thought continues on for awhile until I can no longer bear the negative thought and blurt it out to my s.o. one day. Sometimes it's taken well, sometime's it's not. When it is taken well, there's lots of trust involved to expect that my concerns will be taken seriously and I can feel the change happening. When it's not, well, sometimes the problem gets swept under the carpet until next time.
When one person doesn't truly understand this statement, the relationship becomes that much harder to build. It would be difficult to build something together when you, yourself, are being selfish. Selfishness can come in many forms, but the one that I feel most passionate about is when a person keeps their emotions to themselves and is not open and honest about how they truly feel. It's difficult to get someone to explain themselves, though. All you can do is ask for them to open up, but not be forceful.
Maybe this idea that love is for someone else is so difficult to understand because most people want to be romanced and have this fictitious expectation that love is perfect in a relationship. In truth, it's not, not even a little bit, but that's also why it's unique and cherished when you can obtain it. Thinking about a relationship, I think about how I feel when they do something. Most of the time it's a positive, warm feeling. Rarely do I ever think about how I feel when I do something for them. Though, in that moment of giving, I usually feel wonderful. It's this feeling that doesn't seem to last long because I want to know that what was done for me is cherished by me. I want to know that they put just as much effort into the value of our relationship as I did. This exchange of appreciation for one another proves to me that the relationship has potential to last.
It's also a difficult balance between knowing how much you can give before you collapse from forgetting to take care of yourself. Like I mentioned in my first post, it's important to be comfortable by yourself before you handle someone else's problems. Knowing where your boundaries are and being honest with them is something very important to explain to your partner. Respect for yourself comes first before getting someone to earn their respect from you.
EDIT: Also relevant: http://youtu.be/vcL53TAR600
This conclusion sounds obvious to me. But, when I really think about it, it isn't until both people in the relationship understand this concept that the relationship has the potential for success.
When I think about a failing relationship, it usually begins with, "I'm not feeling enough of X." And, that thought continues on for awhile until I can no longer bear the negative thought and blurt it out to my s.o. one day. Sometimes it's taken well, sometime's it's not. When it is taken well, there's lots of trust involved to expect that my concerns will be taken seriously and I can feel the change happening. When it's not, well, sometimes the problem gets swept under the carpet until next time.
When one person doesn't truly understand this statement, the relationship becomes that much harder to build. It would be difficult to build something together when you, yourself, are being selfish. Selfishness can come in many forms, but the one that I feel most passionate about is when a person keeps their emotions to themselves and is not open and honest about how they truly feel. It's difficult to get someone to explain themselves, though. All you can do is ask for them to open up, but not be forceful.
Maybe this idea that love is for someone else is so difficult to understand because most people want to be romanced and have this fictitious expectation that love is perfect in a relationship. In truth, it's not, not even a little bit, but that's also why it's unique and cherished when you can obtain it. Thinking about a relationship, I think about how I feel when they do something. Most of the time it's a positive, warm feeling. Rarely do I ever think about how I feel when I do something for them. Though, in that moment of giving, I usually feel wonderful. It's this feeling that doesn't seem to last long because I want to know that what was done for me is cherished by me. I want to know that they put just as much effort into the value of our relationship as I did. This exchange of appreciation for one another proves to me that the relationship has potential to last.
It's also a difficult balance between knowing how much you can give before you collapse from forgetting to take care of yourself. Like I mentioned in my first post, it's important to be comfortable by yourself before you handle someone else's problems. Knowing where your boundaries are and being honest with them is something very important to explain to your partner. Respect for yourself comes first before getting someone to earn their respect from you.
EDIT: Also relevant: http://youtu.be/vcL53TAR600
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Thoughts #4: There's Always Room to Grow
When I was younger, I used to think adults knew everything. My parents were the source of all my knowledge and they could solve any problem I had. Daddy, I don't know how to ride my bike, teach me. Mommy, how do I make soup? Why is the sky blue? Are all animals vegetarian like you? But as I slowly grow into adulthood, I'm realizing, adults don't know everything. I can't even describe the magnitude of how much I don't know.
And this brings me to my current segment: There's always room to grow.
There's a common saying, "people don't change." And, I believe it, but then again, I don't. I believe it because, yes, I think at the very basic, generic level, people can change how they act in front of other people, their habits, their hairstyles, etc. I don't believe it because what truly changes a person is their outlook on life, their values, their morals, their ideals, their sympathies towards others, things like that. The latter takes a lot of time to change and I know it's doable.
A lot of times I feel frustrated or anxious for no apparent reason. Typically, I'd let myself feel that way for however long until something else comes up and I completely forget the feeling altogether. But, in retrospect, that's not really how I want to continue dealing with these seemingly random emotions. Where do they come from? Why do I feel suddenly flustered or annoyed? Why, WHY, do I want to feel that way if it causes me so much negative associations? A lot of times if I simply ask myself why am I feeling a certain way, the frustration goes away because I realize that whatever was causing my frustration really wasn't worth becoming emotional about in the first place. This small time of self-reflection goes a long way towards staying calm and focused.
Most of the time, my anxiety stems from worrying about not making a fool of myself and avoiding mistakes. I'm starting to see that everyone makes mistakes and can sound like a fool nearly every day. It's just a matter of being okay with that and moving on. So, it's really not a big deal if I give the wrong answer, just as long as I'm open-minded enough to learn about a new perspective and above all, not to get defensive or feel like I'm being told wrongly. There's really no need to feel anxiety at this point because the person is simply trying to help you see the situation from their point of view - wrong or right. That's the point of conversation and discussion.
Along the lines of making mistakes, there's always a student and a teacher. Everyone is always a student and everyone can always become a teacher. Even in the smallest of aspects, someone can become a teacher even if they're not fully aware they're doing it. It comes from the subtle things people do, maybe their demeanor, how they interact with other people, how they treat themselves, or what they think about. We all learn from others and sometimes the learning is so subtle that neither party knows they're actually acquiring a slightly different personality than a few months ago. The mistakes are what allows the teacher to come out and teach. We're always making mistakes, so it's only natural that there's room to learn.
And this brings me to my current segment: There's always room to grow.
There's a common saying, "people don't change." And, I believe it, but then again, I don't. I believe it because, yes, I think at the very basic, generic level, people can change how they act in front of other people, their habits, their hairstyles, etc. I don't believe it because what truly changes a person is their outlook on life, their values, their morals, their ideals, their sympathies towards others, things like that. The latter takes a lot of time to change and I know it's doable.
A lot of times I feel frustrated or anxious for no apparent reason. Typically, I'd let myself feel that way for however long until something else comes up and I completely forget the feeling altogether. But, in retrospect, that's not really how I want to continue dealing with these seemingly random emotions. Where do they come from? Why do I feel suddenly flustered or annoyed? Why, WHY, do I want to feel that way if it causes me so much negative associations? A lot of times if I simply ask myself why am I feeling a certain way, the frustration goes away because I realize that whatever was causing my frustration really wasn't worth becoming emotional about in the first place. This small time of self-reflection goes a long way towards staying calm and focused.
Most of the time, my anxiety stems from worrying about not making a fool of myself and avoiding mistakes. I'm starting to see that everyone makes mistakes and can sound like a fool nearly every day. It's just a matter of being okay with that and moving on. So, it's really not a big deal if I give the wrong answer, just as long as I'm open-minded enough to learn about a new perspective and above all, not to get defensive or feel like I'm being told wrongly. There's really no need to feel anxiety at this point because the person is simply trying to help you see the situation from their point of view - wrong or right. That's the point of conversation and discussion.
Along the lines of making mistakes, there's always a student and a teacher. Everyone is always a student and everyone can always become a teacher. Even in the smallest of aspects, someone can become a teacher even if they're not fully aware they're doing it. It comes from the subtle things people do, maybe their demeanor, how they interact with other people, how they treat themselves, or what they think about. We all learn from others and sometimes the learning is so subtle that neither party knows they're actually acquiring a slightly different personality than a few months ago. The mistakes are what allows the teacher to come out and teach. We're always making mistakes, so it's only natural that there's room to learn.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Quotations #3: Entrepreneurs
"Solving a problem, you don't accept that it's unsolvable. And I think part of that is believing that if you work hard, surround yourself with smart people, keep thinking, keep trying that you will solve that problem. It's also relentlessness with optimism, I think, and they tend to travel together. And the other one is being unafraid to be embarrassed... And people who are risk-takers, who are entrepreneurs, who are willing to change careers, try something different, don't think of what others think of you. Think about the purpose or the outcomes you want."
- Susan Desmond-Hellmann on Stanford's eCorner Podcast: Relentless Pursuit of Innovation
- Susan Desmond-Hellmann on Stanford's eCorner Podcast: Relentless Pursuit of Innovation
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Thoughts #3: Knowing What's Important to You
"The Dalai Lama has a habit of cutting interviews short if he feels the interviewer is insincere." - Rick Ray's 10 Questions for the Dalai Lama
One of things that's gotten me through the last couple of months of loneliness have been my friends and my family. I've never been one to talk on the phone for hours, but now it seems like I can't get away from talking on the phone. Like I said before though, I'm not extroverted (I mention this because I associate extroversion with being garrulous, but it's not true all the time. More on that later.) To simply put it: I like to keep in regular contact with people I care about, which I never realized was something I wanted.
This brings me to my sister. She's older than me by a few years and has been self-sustaining for a quite some time. She told me recently, "Even though me and [my boyfriend] are long distance, it's allowed me to focus on what I really care about and that's family." When she said this, it surprised me because I'm always the one putting tons of time into people other than my family, keeping them happy, making sure they're content and comfortable. But, the reality is, this shouldn't be the case - at least not all the time.
I always thought I could handle my own. I don't need anybody, no, I'm too proud (and stubborn) for that. So, what follows is, I rarely call my parents; they nag me too much anyways. I don't frequently call my sisters; they're far away and I know they'll care even though I'm disconnected. The people that I do keep in contact with are my friends from high school. But, what I've noticed is that those conversations weren't always as valuable as a five minute conversation with my family.
What separates family from friends, and yes, sometimes good friends can effectively become family, is that no matter what, family is always there for whether you like it or not. I've found that the people I'm the closest with are the people that I can tell my hesitations and insecurities too without feeling judged or inferior. They're also the people that tend to tell me the reality of a situation and also get me to think about my foundation for a certain belief I may have. They get me to think about me and help me become a better person. Most importantly, they almost never tell me what the right answer is. How could they? No one can completely understand another person's perspective 100%. However, I sometimes feel that my sisters know me better than I do and that makes me value their advice over others'.
So, over the last four years, I've slowly come to realize that what makes me happy and what's become important to me. And that is keeping good friendships around. Whether it's catching up over lunch or over the phone every so often. The key is that it's consistent. Once that consistency stops, it's hard to pick right back up where you left off. Unless that friendship was truly solid from the start. I think part of the reason why friendships come and go is because people change. I've seen that good friends keep up with those changes. Keeping up with change tells me immediately that the person sincerely cares about you and your growth and wants to help you out. It's unselfish and also important to reciprocate.
Yes, it does take a lot of time and effort to maintain good friendships and likewise, with family members. But the similarity they share is that once the level of comfort and security is defined, those relationships will last much longer than if without cultivation and maintenance. I think it's up to you to decide how much effort you'd like to put into the friendship and understand exactly how much of that effort is appreciated. I tend not to linger on friends who I don't feel will be a good contributor to the relationship. This doesn't mean cutting them off completely. It just means that I won't put in the effort into making periodic phone calls (or emails.. messages.. etc) and therefore, our relationship, because relationships are a two-way street. In order for it to prosper, both parties have to work for it.
Since I've realized the similarities of family and strong friendships, I've also noticed that calling home is much more appreciated by my parents than by me. They value the contact more; I think it's something I won't come to understand until I have children of my own. The point is, a simple five minute phone call with my parents is enough to keep them happy and content. And with that, a better relationship is built and happier people are the results of this. College was a time of independence from them, which I was dying for, and so I didn't understand this back then. Now, I know that putting a little more effort into calling my parents will make everyone happy because I know they're happy and appreciative.
One of things that's gotten me through the last couple of months of loneliness have been my friends and my family. I've never been one to talk on the phone for hours, but now it seems like I can't get away from talking on the phone. Like I said before though, I'm not extroverted (I mention this because I associate extroversion with being garrulous, but it's not true all the time. More on that later.) To simply put it: I like to keep in regular contact with people I care about, which I never realized was something I wanted.
This brings me to my sister. She's older than me by a few years and has been self-sustaining for a quite some time. She told me recently, "Even though me and [my boyfriend] are long distance, it's allowed me to focus on what I really care about and that's family." When she said this, it surprised me because I'm always the one putting tons of time into people other than my family, keeping them happy, making sure they're content and comfortable. But, the reality is, this shouldn't be the case - at least not all the time.
I always thought I could handle my own. I don't need anybody, no, I'm too proud (and stubborn) for that. So, what follows is, I rarely call my parents; they nag me too much anyways. I don't frequently call my sisters; they're far away and I know they'll care even though I'm disconnected. The people that I do keep in contact with are my friends from high school. But, what I've noticed is that those conversations weren't always as valuable as a five minute conversation with my family.
What separates family from friends, and yes, sometimes good friends can effectively become family, is that no matter what, family is always there for whether you like it or not. I've found that the people I'm the closest with are the people that I can tell my hesitations and insecurities too without feeling judged or inferior. They're also the people that tend to tell me the reality of a situation and also get me to think about my foundation for a certain belief I may have. They get me to think about me and help me become a better person. Most importantly, they almost never tell me what the right answer is. How could they? No one can completely understand another person's perspective 100%. However, I sometimes feel that my sisters know me better than I do and that makes me value their advice over others'.
So, over the last four years, I've slowly come to realize that what makes me happy and what's become important to me. And that is keeping good friendships around. Whether it's catching up over lunch or over the phone every so often. The key is that it's consistent. Once that consistency stops, it's hard to pick right back up where you left off. Unless that friendship was truly solid from the start. I think part of the reason why friendships come and go is because people change. I've seen that good friends keep up with those changes. Keeping up with change tells me immediately that the person sincerely cares about you and your growth and wants to help you out. It's unselfish and also important to reciprocate.
Yes, it does take a lot of time and effort to maintain good friendships and likewise, with family members. But the similarity they share is that once the level of comfort and security is defined, those relationships will last much longer than if without cultivation and maintenance. I think it's up to you to decide how much effort you'd like to put into the friendship and understand exactly how much of that effort is appreciated. I tend not to linger on friends who I don't feel will be a good contributor to the relationship. This doesn't mean cutting them off completely. It just means that I won't put in the effort into making periodic phone calls (or emails.. messages.. etc) and therefore, our relationship, because relationships are a two-way street. In order for it to prosper, both parties have to work for it.
Since I've realized the similarities of family and strong friendships, I've also noticed that calling home is much more appreciated by my parents than by me. They value the contact more; I think it's something I won't come to understand until I have children of my own. The point is, a simple five minute phone call with my parents is enough to keep them happy and content. And with that, a better relationship is built and happier people are the results of this. College was a time of independence from them, which I was dying for, and so I didn't understand this back then. Now, I know that putting a little more effort into calling my parents will make everyone happy because I know they're happy and appreciative.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Quotations #2: Citizen Engineer
Engineers are idealists, in every sense of the word. While we’re focused on finding the simplest, most efficient solutions, we are also utopians. We find ourselves contemplating not only what could be better, but also what could be. We’re drawn to visionary ideas and idealists. Over the years, engineers have demonstrated incredible courage in pursuing their visions - working for years on concepts that may or may not ever pan out, testing ideas no one else believes in. We also share the idealism of artists. We see beauty in new ideas, novel approaches, and new ways to tame complexity. We’re a stubborn, meticulous, critical bunch, unforgiving of shoddy work and half-baked theories, abhorrent of conventional wisdom, but always eager to learn, to try, to push the limits, and to create something new.
At the same time, engineers are pragmatists. We must deal with the constraints of technological limitations, business requirements, and budget realities. We don’t always have the time we’d like to implement our best ideas, or have access to the ideal tools or materials we’d love to use. Sometimes we must content our selves with the knowledge that the world is better off with a real product that delivers 20% more energy efficiency today than with a theoretical product that might be 80% more efficient but is unlikely ever to make it to market.
- Citizen Engineer: A Handbook for Socially Responsible Engineering (Ch1, pg. 5)
- Citizen Engineer: A Handbook for Socially Responsible Engineering (Ch1, pg. 5)
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Thoughts #2: Impressing No One
I like watching youtube videos every now and then. A long while ago, I stumbled upon Dean Leysen who posts videos about the most random facts you could ever think of and also his opinions about life. One video was "Advice for my Younger Self". He got a question from a user, "What advice would you give your younger self in three sentences?". He responded with:
1. Don't try to impress anyone. It's overrated and you don't have anything to prove to anybody.
2. Don't take anything for granted and realize that you have everything you need to be happy.
3. Realize that your emotions and your happiness are your responsibility and no one else's.
Let's talk about the number one.
My initial reaction is: duh. Of course I don't do that. Not ever. No sir. Nope. But, I'm on my high horse. I don't want to acknowledge that I'm insecure. I don't want to face the truth that I'm trying too hard to be the perfect image someone else conjured up for me to be. Because, um, yeah, that's kind of dumb. So, I thought I knew what this meant. Of course, I don't want to suck up to someone and try to make them impressed with my personality. Let's be real - I'm can be pretty offbeat. But, what about impressing my boss? A new potential girlfriend? Or even that cute boy I see across the room? What about them? If I'm not supposed to try to impress everyone, how do I impress everyone? Seems like a paradox to me.
I turned to self-reflection. What was I doing at this point? Was I really sucking up to people? What does that even mean? What I was doing, was exactly what not to do: trying to impress people. Thinking back to past relationships, intimate and not, I knew immediately, yes. I do try too hard to impress people sometimes. I know I put myself in situations I don't feel comfortable in just to have small talk with someone who doesn't even seem to appreciate my company. One particular instance was over an internship. A fellow intern worked in the same group I had been assigned to. Consequently, we took a few trips to the store together in her car to pick up some work-related items. (To preface, I'm still trying to figure out if I'm comfortable in silences or not, but that's beside the point.) Every time I was left alone with this girl, I can't explain to you the awkward silence that ensued. Here's me, a little shy, trying to make small talk ("hey, so you guys had a pretty good weekend?"), making little to no eye contact (we're in the car), and her, focused on the road, not smiling much, seemingly disinterested, curt responses. I'm trying to be friends with her. I'm trying to get her attention. I'm trying to make myself seem a little more interesting because I'm quiet around her. But, I try to no avail. I take the relationship for what it is for the remainder of my summer, easing myself off of attempting to be friends with her because the fact of the matter is: I don't care about our "friendship" - I just wanted to be not so awkward around her.
I learned trying to impress this one person, another intern even, really sucked. In no way, shape, or form, did I feel comfortable in that situation. I can't understand why I was even trying so hard. I knew deep down, this relationship wasn't going anywhere. How do you become friends with someone who doesn't seem to be curious about someone else's life?
Of course, similar encounters occur with other people. For me, it's most prominent during the first few weeks of a new relationship. No, I'm not going to show them that I'm actually a weirdo - just ask my family - because, that's right, I'm a normal person, just like everyone else. And so, in an effort to protect my image with this person, who, keep in mind, holds absolutely no real weight in my life (yet), I become a different person, change my ways to seem more approachable, relatable, and acceptable. I have a feeling this happens with a lot of people.
The reality of the matter is, my image of what they think of me is much more inflated than reality. Typically, I think that they noticed the smallest of details. Later, if I get the chance to mention the small detail again, the most common response I get is, "Oh, hahha, I didn't even notice." So, what DO they notice? What do you notice about other people?
My point is, even if you do the small things for other person, in an effort to impress them with your (already) awesome personality, they might not even notice it. In trying to become friends with the intern, I truly felt awkward and uncomfortable and judged even ("Why is the girl trying to talk to me? Bleh" is what I thought she was thinking.) The conclusion I draw from situations like that is to simply avoid situations like that. I don't want to feel inferior and as if my insecurities have had open heart surgery on them. Why the hell would I put myself through that if I don't have to? I think impressing someone comes with being an already confident person who is comfortable with who they are. That takes time to work on, too. In the end, the most important person you need to impress is yourself, so put that effort which would otherwise directed towards someone else, into taking care of yourself.
1. Don't try to impress anyone. It's overrated and you don't have anything to prove to anybody.
2. Don't take anything for granted and realize that you have everything you need to be happy.
3. Realize that your emotions and your happiness are your responsibility and no one else's.
Let's talk about the number one.
My initial reaction is: duh. Of course I don't do that. Not ever. No sir. Nope. But, I'm on my high horse. I don't want to acknowledge that I'm insecure. I don't want to face the truth that I'm trying too hard to be the perfect image someone else conjured up for me to be. Because, um, yeah, that's kind of dumb. So, I thought I knew what this meant. Of course, I don't want to suck up to someone and try to make them impressed with my personality. Let's be real - I'm can be pretty offbeat. But, what about impressing my boss? A new potential girlfriend? Or even that cute boy I see across the room? What about them? If I'm not supposed to try to impress everyone, how do I impress everyone? Seems like a paradox to me.
I turned to self-reflection. What was I doing at this point? Was I really sucking up to people? What does that even mean? What I was doing, was exactly what not to do: trying to impress people. Thinking back to past relationships, intimate and not, I knew immediately, yes. I do try too hard to impress people sometimes. I know I put myself in situations I don't feel comfortable in just to have small talk with someone who doesn't even seem to appreciate my company. One particular instance was over an internship. A fellow intern worked in the same group I had been assigned to. Consequently, we took a few trips to the store together in her car to pick up some work-related items. (To preface, I'm still trying to figure out if I'm comfortable in silences or not, but that's beside the point.) Every time I was left alone with this girl, I can't explain to you the awkward silence that ensued. Here's me, a little shy, trying to make small talk ("hey, so you guys had a pretty good weekend?"), making little to no eye contact (we're in the car), and her, focused on the road, not smiling much, seemingly disinterested, curt responses. I'm trying to be friends with her. I'm trying to get her attention. I'm trying to make myself seem a little more interesting because I'm quiet around her. But, I try to no avail. I take the relationship for what it is for the remainder of my summer, easing myself off of attempting to be friends with her because the fact of the matter is: I don't care about our "friendship" - I just wanted to be not so awkward around her.
I learned trying to impress this one person, another intern even, really sucked. In no way, shape, or form, did I feel comfortable in that situation. I can't understand why I was even trying so hard. I knew deep down, this relationship wasn't going anywhere. How do you become friends with someone who doesn't seem to be curious about someone else's life?
Of course, similar encounters occur with other people. For me, it's most prominent during the first few weeks of a new relationship. No, I'm not going to show them that I'm actually a weirdo - just ask my family - because, that's right, I'm a normal person, just like everyone else. And so, in an effort to protect my image with this person, who, keep in mind, holds absolutely no real weight in my life (yet), I become a different person, change my ways to seem more approachable, relatable, and acceptable. I have a feeling this happens with a lot of people.
The reality of the matter is, my image of what they think of me is much more inflated than reality. Typically, I think that they noticed the smallest of details. Later, if I get the chance to mention the small detail again, the most common response I get is, "Oh, hahha, I didn't even notice." So, what DO they notice? What do you notice about other people?
My point is, even if you do the small things for other person, in an effort to impress them with your (already) awesome personality, they might not even notice it. In trying to become friends with the intern, I truly felt awkward and uncomfortable and judged even ("Why is the girl trying to talk to me? Bleh" is what I thought she was thinking.) The conclusion I draw from situations like that is to simply avoid situations like that. I don't want to feel inferior and as if my insecurities have had open heart surgery on them. Why the hell would I put myself through that if I don't have to? I think impressing someone comes with being an already confident person who is comfortable with who they are. That takes time to work on, too. In the end, the most important person you need to impress is yourself, so put that effort which would otherwise directed towards someone else, into taking care of yourself.
Quotations #1
There will always be someone better than you in every single way. This is only more room to grow.
Monday, October 7, 2013
Thoughts #1: Me, Myself and I
It's been an impressive year so far. I graduated with a sweet engineering degree from Georgia Tech. I got a new job in the aeronautical industry in the lovely state of Connecticut (more on that later). Most importantly though, I'm finally on my own, living on my own, with my own money, sustaining only me, myself, and I. This is my life now. No one to take care of you, not many people to talk to outside of work, nor the opportunity to randomly run into an acquaintance while strolling around campus. I've become completely self-sustaining and I don't think I really know what that means. Do people even really know what that means?
For the most part, I'm introverted and I have my extroverted moments here and there. I'm not unfriendly, but I know I can seem distant and uninterested in conversations sometimes. It's a double standard for being a girl - you should know how to be empathetic with girl problems to feel a connection with them. But let's save that topic for another time.
Let's understand where I'm coming from. Briefly, I've always had a constant companion, who is now my ex. The point is, he were always there for me, all the time, physically and emotionally. Now, physically, I have no one. Not even my mom to bother me all the time because she's finally getting the feeling that I'm well enough alone that she doesn't feel it's necessary to check up on me. Ironic, huh? Anyways, loneliness a foreign feeling for me because I've always had the attention of someone else or closeness of someone else. Sure, I call my friends from time to time and that certainly eases me into accepting the loneliness, but it's not the only thing for me to cultivate.
Some things I've learned about coping with loneliness is knowing you're never truly alone. Sure, my friends and family are far away and I can't simply step into the next room and bug them with a casual conversation. Dealing with this physical distance away from someone is where the phone, internet, skype, come in handy. I've found that it's more important than you think to keep a regular contact with loved ones, and I don't only mean family. My loved ones include my best of friends that make me feel like a part of their life as well. Physically talking to people on the phone lessens the anxiety which comes with loneliness.
Again, as someone who has always seemed to been taken care of by my family, in particular, I know I've never truly understood the meaning of self-sustaining or even taking of myself. Sad, isn't it? In the past, I had always seen (mainly) singletons with the most ambitious of dreams, as if they were born to be entrepreneurs. Honestly, it was only the fact that they devoted a small bit of time per day to cherish their own time that made it seem like they were on top of the world - happy, content, humble. Here's the important fact to draw out of this observation: they took the time to take care of themselves. They realized at one point or another that they, themselves, are the most important person alive to themselves. No one else in the world will care more about you than you. No one else can help you become you to its fullest. Only I can give me, myself, and I more confidence, happiness, humbleness. And I mention humbleness because it's a huge factor in how others see you.
And more on humbleness... When I think of this, I think of a person who is inwardly content in their life, easy to talk to, happy with themselves, and aren't even remotely aggressive towards others to follow a path similar to their own. They seem to understand that this person will live their life differently than this other person. And, they're okay with that. They step in to help at the right times and are always encouraging and are always a mentor and enabler. Lastly, they have a strong network of close friends/family who they can always fall back on when they're feeling low. These people are outstanding. These people are role models without even trying. These people are people I want to be. And, I think one way to get to there is to truly learn what it means to be alone and become self-sustaining. Only you truly, deeply, care about you.
I've found that I'm happier when I take a minute, but regular, amount of time for myself each day. I don't mean catching up on tv shows or romance novel every now and then. I mean those side projects I've always wanted to work on: online education, podcasts, sketching, blogging.. you know those things. I find it impressive that people work on their hobbies so passionately. I know I lack motivation for initiate work on those projects. Consequentially, the fall behind, I feel disappointed in myself, I don't feel as happy. I'm determined to change that depressing, self-destructive cycle.
For example, this past week I've been getting up an hour earlier than normal. (To preface, previously, I had hit the snooze way too much and after work, I'd get home and lounge and watch tv.) This extra hour gave me the boost I needed to begin to motivate myself to do things. I started enjoying my mornings more and using the extra 30-60 minutes of time to do what I've been procrastinating on. The results so far have been amazing. Before I get to work, I'm already awake, I already feel accomplished, therefore, I already feel happy with myself. It's a schedule I intend to keep and encourage others to test drive. Everyone's different, so my only advice is that you find something which makes you feel more impressed with yourself.
Now, the conclusion is not to be an outsider and never take up friends' invitations to hang out. No, not at all. Those are connections that build the foundation to stronger, more meaningful relationships later in life. But I believe when you're just beginning to know what it means to be alone, it's important to allow those friendships brew for the time being because first and foremost, cherish the self and your life. I don't think many people understand the depth of that concept, nor do I think I truly do just yet.
For the most part, I'm introverted and I have my extroverted moments here and there. I'm not unfriendly, but I know I can seem distant and uninterested in conversations sometimes. It's a double standard for being a girl - you should know how to be empathetic with girl problems to feel a connection with them. But let's save that topic for another time.
Let's understand where I'm coming from. Briefly, I've always had a constant companion, who is now my ex. The point is, he were always there for me, all the time, physically and emotionally. Now, physically, I have no one. Not even my mom to bother me all the time because she's finally getting the feeling that I'm well enough alone that she doesn't feel it's necessary to check up on me. Ironic, huh? Anyways, loneliness a foreign feeling for me because I've always had the attention of someone else or closeness of someone else. Sure, I call my friends from time to time and that certainly eases me into accepting the loneliness, but it's not the only thing for me to cultivate.
Some things I've learned about coping with loneliness is knowing you're never truly alone. Sure, my friends and family are far away and I can't simply step into the next room and bug them with a casual conversation. Dealing with this physical distance away from someone is where the phone, internet, skype, come in handy. I've found that it's more important than you think to keep a regular contact with loved ones, and I don't only mean family. My loved ones include my best of friends that make me feel like a part of their life as well. Physically talking to people on the phone lessens the anxiety which comes with loneliness.
Again, as someone who has always seemed to been taken care of by my family, in particular, I know I've never truly understood the meaning of self-sustaining or even taking of myself. Sad, isn't it? In the past, I had always seen (mainly) singletons with the most ambitious of dreams, as if they were born to be entrepreneurs. Honestly, it was only the fact that they devoted a small bit of time per day to cherish their own time that made it seem like they were on top of the world - happy, content, humble. Here's the important fact to draw out of this observation: they took the time to take care of themselves. They realized at one point or another that they, themselves, are the most important person alive to themselves. No one else in the world will care more about you than you. No one else can help you become you to its fullest. Only I can give me, myself, and I more confidence, happiness, humbleness. And I mention humbleness because it's a huge factor in how others see you.
And more on humbleness... When I think of this, I think of a person who is inwardly content in their life, easy to talk to, happy with themselves, and aren't even remotely aggressive towards others to follow a path similar to their own. They seem to understand that this person will live their life differently than this other person. And, they're okay with that. They step in to help at the right times and are always encouraging and are always a mentor and enabler. Lastly, they have a strong network of close friends/family who they can always fall back on when they're feeling low. These people are outstanding. These people are role models without even trying. These people are people I want to be. And, I think one way to get to there is to truly learn what it means to be alone and become self-sustaining. Only you truly, deeply, care about you.
I've found that I'm happier when I take a minute, but regular, amount of time for myself each day. I don't mean catching up on tv shows or romance novel every now and then. I mean those side projects I've always wanted to work on: online education, podcasts, sketching, blogging.. you know those things. I find it impressive that people work on their hobbies so passionately. I know I lack motivation for initiate work on those projects. Consequentially, the fall behind, I feel disappointed in myself, I don't feel as happy. I'm determined to change that depressing, self-destructive cycle.
For example, this past week I've been getting up an hour earlier than normal. (To preface, previously, I had hit the snooze way too much and after work, I'd get home and lounge and watch tv.) This extra hour gave me the boost I needed to begin to motivate myself to do things. I started enjoying my mornings more and using the extra 30-60 minutes of time to do what I've been procrastinating on. The results so far have been amazing. Before I get to work, I'm already awake, I already feel accomplished, therefore, I already feel happy with myself. It's a schedule I intend to keep and encourage others to test drive. Everyone's different, so my only advice is that you find something which makes you feel more impressed with yourself.
Now, the conclusion is not to be an outsider and never take up friends' invitations to hang out. No, not at all. Those are connections that build the foundation to stronger, more meaningful relationships later in life. But I believe when you're just beginning to know what it means to be alone, it's important to allow those friendships brew for the time being because first and foremost, cherish the self and your life. I don't think many people understand the depth of that concept, nor do I think I truly do just yet.
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