Thoughts #5: Relationships

In the viral blog entry, "Marriage isn't for you", Seth Adam Smith concludes that "love is about the person you love." It's about what you can give, not what you can get in return.

This conclusion sounds obvious to me. But, when I really think about it, it isn't until both people in the relationship understand this concept that the relationship has the potential for success.

When I think about a failing relationship, it usually begins with, "I'm not feeling enough of X." And, that thought continues on for awhile until I can no longer bear the negative thought and blurt it out to my s.o. one day. Sometimes it's taken well, sometime's it's not. When it is taken well, there's lots of trust involved to expect that my concerns will be taken seriously and I can feel the change happening. When it's not, well, sometimes the problem gets swept under the carpet until next time.

When one person doesn't truly understand this statement, the relationship becomes that much harder to build. It would be difficult to build something together when you, yourself, are being selfish. Selfishness can come in many forms, but the one that I feel most passionate about is when a person keeps their emotions to themselves and is not open and honest about how they truly feel. It's difficult to get someone to explain themselves, though. All you can do is ask for them to open up, but not be forceful.

Maybe this idea that love is for someone else is so difficult to understand because most people want to be romanced and have this fictitious expectation that love is perfect in a relationship. In truth, it's not, not even a little bit, but that's also why it's unique and cherished when you can obtain it. Thinking about a relationship, I think about how I feel when they do something. Most of the time it's a positive, warm feeling. Rarely do I ever think about how I feel when I do something for them. Though, in that moment of giving, I usually feel wonderful. It's this feeling that doesn't seem to last long because I want to know that what was done for me is cherished by me. I want to know that they put just as much effort into the value of our relationship as I did. This exchange of appreciation for one another proves to me that the relationship has potential to last.

It's also a difficult balance between knowing how much you can give before you collapse from forgetting to take care of yourself. Like I mentioned in my first post, it's important to be comfortable by yourself before you handle someone else's problems. Knowing where your boundaries are and being honest with them is something very important to explain to your partner. Respect for yourself comes first before getting someone to earn their respect from you.

EDIT: Also relevant: http://youtu.be/vcL53TAR600