I read somewhere that in this generation, it's become a social norm that a person is in a relationship. Purposefully or not, it's hinted at in movies constantly, especially romantic comedies. There's always a character in distress, or maybe both, and somehow they find they've overcome their differences and begin to appreciate each other for who they are, fall in love, and hooray, happy ever after.
While I'm not a feminist or even remotely represent their ideals, I find that I do in fact feel that society had led us all to believe that we would be happier in a relationship. And, conversely, it's looked on when someone discovers you're single. But, given the (rumor) that divorce rates are high (see: http://www.nytimes.com/2005/04/19/health/19divo.html?_r=0 for some fishy statistics), my question now is: why is this a hard-held belief? Is it on purpose?
From my experience and observing my friends and family, I see evidence for both sides of this societal claim.
My point of view, which I believe is the point of view many of my friends and family share, is that personal happiness is an independent achievement. That means, even in a relationship, one should be able to claim selfhood and individuality. Every decision you make is just that - yours. You can have all the advice in the world and from the best people, but the decisions boil down to what you will do.
"Selfhood. Each partner retains a viable self, capable of functioning without the relationship if necessary, able to be his or her own person with inviolable boundaries that reflect core values."
- Love and Power by Hara Estroff Marano, Psychology Today
This idea sounds really simple, but it's not. Over and over again, you see someone in (a difficult) relationship sacrificing their own needs and wanting to satisfy the other person. "Distressed relationships tend to be organized around the interests of the more powerful, often without conscious intention," says Carmen Knudson-Martin of Loma Linda University. It doesn't seem like this is a happy ending for this fictitious couple. It sounds like someone is getting the short end of the bargain and continues to get short-changed.
The fact that media - everything from magazines, novels and movies - portrays the idea that happiness can only be achieved in a relationship, really bothers me. It's setting a false idea in motion and unpurposefully showing that being single is looked down upon. I hate that. Maybe that's why there are so many unhappy couples out there. They're just following the rules so they don't get caught being single. I know it's easy to become dependent on another person for your own happiness, but that doesn't present a balanced relationship.
Those few who I see get into a relationship too soon tend to lose themselves and sometimes need to break it off in order to rebuild their individuality. I can't stress enough how important this claim is and how it's okay not to be dating or even seeking. There comes a time in everyone's life that you have no idea what you're doing. And that's okay, but searching for a boyfriend or girlfriend to help solve all your problems isn't going to work because the effort to change yourself has to come from, well, yourself.
When I think of someone and what they've accomplished, I think of just them, not that they are who they are because of so and so. No. They are who they are because they're simply awesome on their own. No one is going to remember you for who you got hitched with. The real impact is what did you do with your life and how did you transform the people around you? And, unless society stops viewing being single as a step back, many people are going to fall short of discovering their personal, true identity.
At least there are some people to get it: How to Be Alone - Tanya Davis
No comments:
Post a Comment