Thoughts #6: Time Investment

There's a finite amount of brain power that I have and there's more people and situations that require more attention than I am willing to give. I know you've ran into this problem and if you haven't, I'd call you a liar or a miracle worker.

There's a few kinds of situations where I could devote my attention to, but almost every one of them involves a person. What I've learned out of experience is that my emotional investment in someone or something is limited and I need to decide who or what, to focus my attention towards.

In a.. let's call it a, misunderstanding, that recently happened to me, I was constantly thinking about how this person, let's call them Charlie, acted towards me and I was relentlessly thought of confusing explanations as to why Charlie responded to me in such a hostile way. While I understood my friendship with Charlie was not very strong to begin and the fact that Ben has not acknowledged my apologies, my need to understand the situation and make sense of all the confusion superseded my rational side, which told me to leave the situation alone and move on without closure. In short, Charlie isn't worth wasting my brain power.

My misgivings with Charlie have not been mollified and nor do I think they will any time soon. However, to me, it's been a small learning experience.

I've realized from this that: (1) I can't always get closure, (2) I can't expect to always have a mature conversation about a conflict, and (3) I shouldn't waste my effort into something that truly doesn't matter in the long run.

This brings me to thinking about my future. I frequently think about how communication between people, whether it's myself and someone else, or observing a conversation as a bystander. When someone in particular begins to bother me, though, I stress out over the small details of what I'll say and worry about their reactions. But, when I do some self-reflection and put the situation in terms of the grand scheme of things, more often than not does the conclusion tell me that it's a minute part of life and there's no need to sweat over it.

This experience with Charlie has brought to my attention that not everyone is worth the same amount of time and effort that you expect to receive in return. I can only put 50% into acquiescing a conflict. The other person involved must input the remaining 50% effort. And, it's only when the other person is prepared to confront the situation (preferably, like an adult) that the conflict can eventually be resolved.

All in all, conflicts suck, but there's a lot to learn from them about who you are and who the other person is, too. It's best not to waste time and mental energy on people who don't appreciate the effort you've put in, and simply redirect that energy towards something more useful.

Quotations #4

"You can not inspire, unless you're inspired yourself." 
- Carmin Gallo, Three Secrets All Inspiring Messages Share

Thoughts #5: Relationships

In the viral blog entry, "Marriage isn't for you", Seth Adam Smith concludes that "love is about the person you love." It's about what you can give, not what you can get in return.

This conclusion sounds obvious to me. But, when I really think about it, it isn't until both people in the relationship understand this concept that the relationship has the potential for success.

When I think about a failing relationship, it usually begins with, "I'm not feeling enough of X." And, that thought continues on for awhile until I can no longer bear the negative thought and blurt it out to my s.o. one day. Sometimes it's taken well, sometime's it's not. When it is taken well, there's lots of trust involved to expect that my concerns will be taken seriously and I can feel the change happening. When it's not, well, sometimes the problem gets swept under the carpet until next time.

When one person doesn't truly understand this statement, the relationship becomes that much harder to build. It would be difficult to build something together when you, yourself, are being selfish. Selfishness can come in many forms, but the one that I feel most passionate about is when a person keeps their emotions to themselves and is not open and honest about how they truly feel. It's difficult to get someone to explain themselves, though. All you can do is ask for them to open up, but not be forceful.

Maybe this idea that love is for someone else is so difficult to understand because most people want to be romanced and have this fictitious expectation that love is perfect in a relationship. In truth, it's not, not even a little bit, but that's also why it's unique and cherished when you can obtain it. Thinking about a relationship, I think about how I feel when they do something. Most of the time it's a positive, warm feeling. Rarely do I ever think about how I feel when I do something for them. Though, in that moment of giving, I usually feel wonderful. It's this feeling that doesn't seem to last long because I want to know that what was done for me is cherished by me. I want to know that they put just as much effort into the value of our relationship as I did. This exchange of appreciation for one another proves to me that the relationship has potential to last.

It's also a difficult balance between knowing how much you can give before you collapse from forgetting to take care of yourself. Like I mentioned in my first post, it's important to be comfortable by yourself before you handle someone else's problems. Knowing where your boundaries are and being honest with them is something very important to explain to your partner. Respect for yourself comes first before getting someone to earn their respect from you.

EDIT: Also relevant: http://youtu.be/vcL53TAR600

Thoughts #4: There's Always Room to Grow

When I was younger, I used to think adults knew everything. My parents were the source of all my knowledge and they could solve any problem I had. Daddy, I don't know how to ride my bike, teach me. Mommy, how do I make soup? Why is the sky blue? Are all animals vegetarian like you? But as I slowly grow into adulthood, I'm realizing, adults don't know everything. I can't even describe the magnitude of how much I don't know.

And this brings me to my current segment: There's always room to grow.

There's a common saying, "people don't change." And, I believe it, but then again, I don't. I believe it because, yes, I think at the very basic, generic level, people can change how they act in front of other people, their habits, their hairstyles, etc. I don't believe it because what truly changes a person is their outlook on life, their values, their morals, their ideals, their sympathies towards others, things like that. The latter takes a lot of time to change and I know it's doable.

A lot of times I feel frustrated or anxious for no apparent reason. Typically, I'd let myself feel that way for however long until something else comes up and I completely forget the feeling altogether. But, in retrospect, that's not really how I want to continue dealing with these seemingly random emotions. Where do they come from? Why do I feel suddenly flustered or annoyed? Why, WHY, do I want to feel that way if it causes me so much negative associations? A lot of times if I simply ask myself why am I feeling a certain way, the frustration goes away because I realize that whatever was causing my frustration really wasn't worth becoming emotional about in the first place. This small time of self-reflection goes a long way towards staying calm and focused.

Most of the time, my anxiety stems from worrying about not making a fool of myself and avoiding mistakes. I'm starting to see that everyone makes mistakes and can sound like a fool nearly every day. It's just a matter of being okay with that and moving on. So, it's really not a big deal if I give the wrong answer, just as long as I'm open-minded enough to learn about a new perspective and above all, not to get defensive or feel like I'm being told wrongly. There's really no need to feel anxiety at this point because the person is simply trying to help you see the situation from their point of view - wrong or right. That's the point of conversation and discussion.

Along the lines of making mistakes, there's always a student and a teacher. Everyone is always a student and everyone can always become a teacher. Even in the smallest of aspects, someone can become a teacher even if they're not fully aware they're doing it. It comes from the subtle things people do, maybe their demeanor, how they interact with other people, how they treat themselves, or what they think about. We all learn from others and sometimes the learning is so subtle that neither party knows they're actually acquiring a slightly different personality than a few months ago. The mistakes are what allows the teacher to come out and teach. We're always making mistakes, so it's only natural that there's room to learn.

Quotations #3: Entrepreneurs

"Solving a problem, you don't accept that it's unsolvable. And I think part of that is believing that if you work hard, surround yourself with smart people, keep thinking, keep trying that you will solve that problem. It's also relentlessness with optimism, I think, and they tend to travel together. And the other one is being unafraid to be embarrassed... And people who are risk-takers, who are entrepreneurs, who are willing to change careers, try something different, don't think of what others think of you. Think about the purpose or the outcomes you want."
- Susan Desmond-Hellmann on Stanford's eCorner Podcast: Relentless Pursuit of Innovation

Thoughts #3: Knowing What's Important to You

"The Dalai Lama has a habit of cutting interviews short if he feels the interviewer is insincere." - Rick Ray's 10 Questions for the Dalai Lama

One of things that's gotten me through the last couple of months of loneliness have been my friends and my family. I've never been one to talk on the phone for hours, but now it seems like I can't get away from talking on the phone. Like I said before though, I'm not extroverted (I mention this because I associate extroversion with being garrulous, but it's not true all the time. More on that later.) To simply put it: I like to keep in regular contact with people I care about, which I never realized was something I wanted.

This brings me to my sister. She's older than me by a few years and has been self-sustaining for a quite some time. She told me recently, "Even though me and [my boyfriend] are long distance, it's allowed me to focus on what I really care about and that's family." When she said this, it surprised me because I'm always the one putting tons of time into people other than my family, keeping them happy, making sure they're content and comfortable. But, the reality is, this shouldn't be the case - at least not all the time.

I always thought I could handle my own. I don't need anybody, no, I'm too proud (and stubborn) for that. So, what follows is, I rarely call my parents; they nag me too much anyways. I don't frequently call my sisters; they're far away and I know they'll care even though I'm disconnected. The people that I do keep in contact with are my friends from high school. But, what I've noticed is that those conversations weren't always as valuable as a five minute conversation with my family.

What separates family from friends, and yes, sometimes good friends can effectively become family, is that no matter what, family is always there for whether you like it or not. I've found that the people I'm the closest with are the people that I can tell my hesitations and insecurities too without feeling judged or inferior. They're also the people that tend to tell me the reality of a situation and also get me to think about my foundation for a certain belief I may have. They get me to think about me and help me become a better person. Most importantly, they almost never tell me what the right answer is. How could they? No one can completely understand another person's perspective 100%. However, I sometimes feel that my sisters know me better than I do and that makes me value their advice over others'.

So, over the last four years, I've slowly come to realize that what makes me happy and what's become important to me. And that is keeping good friendships around. Whether it's catching up over lunch or over the phone every so often. The key is that it's consistent. Once that consistency stops, it's hard to pick right back up where you left off. Unless that friendship was truly solid from the start. I think part of the reason why friendships come and go is because people change. I've seen that good friends keep up with those changes. Keeping up with change tells me immediately that the person sincerely cares about you and your growth and wants to help you out. It's unselfish and also important to reciprocate.

Yes, it does take a lot of time and effort to maintain good friendships and likewise, with family members. But the similarity they share is that once the level of comfort and security is defined, those relationships will last much longer than if without cultivation and maintenance. I think it's up to you to decide how much effort you'd like to put into the friendship and understand exactly how much of that effort is appreciated. I tend not to linger on friends who I don't feel will be a good contributor to the relationship. This doesn't mean cutting them off completely. It just means that I won't put in the effort into making periodic phone calls (or emails.. messages.. etc) and therefore, our relationship, because relationships are a two-way street. In order for it to prosper, both parties have to work for it.

Since I've realized the similarities of family and strong friendships, I've also noticed that calling home is much more appreciated by my parents than by me. They value the contact more; I think it's something I won't come to understand until I have children of my own. The point is, a simple five minute phone call with my parents is enough to keep them happy and content. And with that, a better relationship is built and happier people are the results of this. College was a time of independence from them, which I was dying for, and so I didn't understand this back then. Now, I know that putting a little more effort into calling my parents will make everyone happy because I know they're happy and appreciative.

Quotations #2: Citizen Engineer

Engineers are idealists, in every sense of the word. While we’re focused on finding the simplest, most efficient solutions, we are also utopians. We find ourselves contemplating not only what could be better, but also what could be. We’re drawn to visionary ideas and idealists. Over the years, engineers have demonstrated incredible courage in pursuing their visions - working for years on concepts that may or may not ever pan out, testing ideas no one else believes in. We also share the idealism of artists. We see beauty in new ideas, novel approaches, and new ways to tame complexity. We’re a stubborn, meticulous, critical bunch, unforgiving of shoddy work and half-baked theories, abhorrent of conventional wisdom, but always eager to learn, to try, to push the limits, and to create something new. 

At the same time, engineers are pragmatists. We must deal with the constraints of technological limitations, business requirements, and budget realities. We don’t always have the time we’d like to implement our best ideas, or have access to the ideal tools or materials we’d love to use. Sometimes we must content our selves with the knowledge that the world is better off with a real product that delivers 20% more energy efficiency today than with a theoretical product that might be 80% more efficient but is unlikely ever to make it to market.

- Citizen Engineer: A Handbook for Socially Responsible Engineering (Ch1, pg. 5)